Nobody Likes an American

Well I don’t have anything to write today either as I am crook. “Crook” is what they call sick here. You are not “sick with a cold”, you are crook. I went to the chemist though to get some medicine that I am hoping will help me to feel better. “Chemist” is what they call a “drug store” or “pharmacy” here. (Pharmacia for my Chicano friends) At lunch I went walking around looking to get some soup, but all I got was “Sorry mate, no soup, but we have a tasty meat pie that will fix you right up though” or “Sorry mate, no soup, but we have any number of unidentifiable deep fried things covered in salt for you if you’d like” I’m finding it difficult to eat healthy here.

Alright, that’s it. When I get back to Melbourne I will attach pictures to previous posts to make it more interesting. <Cough! Cough! Hack!>

Okay readers, who happen to live in America, tell me if this isn’t an awkward question to ask a complete stranger? One thing I have discovered in visiting England and Australia is that they refer to a restroom as “a toilet”. Americans on the other hand do not like to acknowledge the specific use of this place where urination and defecation is done. We try to mask this place with names that hint to possible other uses.

Let us break down the American terminologies of this place we try to dignify in any way we possibly can out of fear and respect for something, although doing for all of our lives and existence as humans on earth, find a little embarrassing outside of maybe some close male friends. (I’m not sure how it works with females so excuse my ignorance, but from what I understand from experience, other men and a 11 page medical journal I read once, you do urinate (which always sounds so friendly, fun, and mysterious sounding when you spontaneously go in a group of your close friends in the middle of a meal and….. Oh no! I did it once again! I trapped us all in parenthesis within parenthesis! It’s a rare and difficult thing to do that only people who can’t stay on one topic for too long do. I’ve done this before, sorry everybody hang tight. Okay, hold on everyone, I’m going to get us out of this. Keeyaa!! ->)  Okay, one down, we’re almost out, one more to go. Heeeyaaa!! ->) Alright! We’re out. It was getting claustrophobic in there. Okay, what was my point? Oh yeah, I don’t think girls go poopy. Alright now let’s break down the American terms for “toilet” as we like to mask this room that all of us go into daily:

Bathroom: Ahhhhh, a bath. A place of refreshment. Everyone likes a bath. Warm water, soap, maybe a squeaky duck or frog. This is a comfortable environment, possibly even a romantic one. <wink>

Restroom: Okay, you have been moving along in your day, possibly a long ride, and your body tells you after drinking a giant 79 oz. big gulp at 7-11, “Hello body? I need a restroom” So you stop….and rest. Very nice and relaxing.

Mens Room: Ah! Masculinity! And broken up in two words because men don’t like to touch. This name gives the image and impression of a room, where men can hang out, lift weights, read sport or race car magazines (on the toilet though we do not mention this) or wash your hands and talk to other men about taxes, stocks tips, girls (probably call them chicks in there), or football. (American football that is) Mens Room! No apostrophe between the n and s, we don’t have time for that. Tough and not icky one bit, right? But it doesn’t stop there. Womens Room. Now men don’t know what actually goes on in here, but the word implies women getting together talking about recipes, boys, other women they don’t like and why, and maybe sit under one of those dome hair dryers you see at salons. Again, I don’t really know. Even young ones have “the little boys and little girls room” This is a happy and magical place for young children and little people to go into to do whatever it is they need to do in there.

Facilities: Now this is probably something only said by Gardner men, but here it is, facilities. Very mechanical, non specific to any body function and pretty vague as a matter of fact to any function at all.

Lou: Now I don’t know what nationality this is or if I am even spelling it right. It’s either English or French, but since the English say TOILET, I’m just going to make this up here and say that the French didn’t have a western toilet until the beginning of the last century. A “toilet” for them was a community hole in the ground. Even they wanted to cover up this disgraceful and orthopedicly unhygienic time of their day by referring it to a nice friendly Frenchmen (or woman I guess) named….Lou. Sounds like a good friend that is always rosy, merry and quite possibly drunk off of too much red wine, but is oh so much fun to be around. LOUUU!!! Probably hears that every time he walks in the room.

Outhouse: This is a classic one and not necessarily one that is used currently in most of our geographic locations, but is still sometimes used. It’s a place, yeah, it’s….out, and it’s built and shaped like a cute little house. Kind of like a kids tree house only on the ground and where you poop in. Fun for boys (not so much girls) of all ages.

Lavatory: This is another one that isn’t used that much, if ever, anymore as we have moved away from the days of Frankenstein’s outhouse, but can sometimes be a cool, classy and scientifically fun way of saying, “Excuse me professor, but I happen to have a chemical reaction going on inside of myself. Could you please direct me to your levorotary for me to proceed with an experiment of mine?” Case rested.

If you say any one of these words at a place you wish to be directed to in order to do your natural (and private) business in the UK or Australia , you will be looked at with distrust and possibly, depending on where you are, distain. However, if you say, “Excuse me, where is your toilet?” they will sigh with relief and say with a smile, “Why, it’s right down the hall and to your left” then with a visible twinkle flashing in their eye and a jump and click of their heals in the air, they will turn to their customers who are standing/sitting next to you (and who have heard all of this!) and continue taking their order as to what they want to ingest that evening. Now, let’s break down this 4 letter word….toooiiiilet.

Dictionary.com – A bathroom fixture consisting of a bowl, usually with a detachable, hinged seat and lid, and a device for flushing with water, used for defecation and urination. (italics my own)

When I think of a toilet, especially a public one, I think of bacteria, filth, and other bad things I’m not going to drag out. For a while now I have refused to say it even though people sometimes don’t get my meaning. “You want to take a bath? Here? At our restaurant!?!” Last night I submitted and in a low, humble, and almost English sounding (don’t know how that happened) I asked the words that sparked this whole entry. “Excuse me, but where is your toilet?”

Can our countries come up with a safe term that we can all use? Something we can say in Japan as well maybe?  Like, Super Party Room! “Excuse me, but where is your super party room?” “Oh, its down the all and to your left”