Once upon a time there was a child born in I nglewood California by two world traveling earth parents of Welsh and German descent. Apart from a few early close to death asthma and bronchial encounters, this child was not out of the ordinary when placed in amongst the rest of the terrified babies at the hospital. This child grew and developed learning the ways and national anthems of his native land….America. Adventure, misery, and hilarity ensued.
This was one of the many thoughts and images that passed through my collective mind as my trillions of molecules separated and reassembled during time travel this Friday morning. I left Melbourne Australia today at 10:30am and arrived at Los Angeles California at 7:30am the same day. I went from autumn to spring and my calendar went from18/4/08 to 4/18/08. U’s were removed from my written vocabulary and the desire for meat pies and VB was quickly replaced by the hunger for Dodger dogs and Budweiser.
5 out of the 5 billion hours of beauty sleep I realistically needed my driver dropped me off at the Melbourne International airport on a cold Melbourne Friday morning. Flying is always interesting to me. You look around and into the eyes of the people around you and every shifty eye has a story to tell. I saw a young couple locked into each others arms with tears streaming down the eyes of the girl. This embrace was followed by an argument and I began to smile knowing I wasn’t them. A few hours, a lot of money spent on touristy shopping, a pint Magners and a VB later, I found my isle seat on the plane and strapped in for time travel.
The people you sit next to on a flight, especially a long flight such as it was, can make or break the hours ahead of you. I did what I always do, introduce myself to the people next to me, let them know it was okay to wake me even at the cost of pain, and apologized in advance for boozy bad breath and other smells that may come out of me in the next 17 hours. On this trip I sat next to a nice Australian man named Adam and his young and tenacious daughter Lilly. They were already well ahead of me travel wise as they came to Melbourne via Adelaide and were flying to Toronto via Los Angeles. My direct flight to LA didn’t seam all too bad after talking to him.
Lilly was kind and patient with me. Children are amazing. You can go through your entire life and develop into the wretch that you are and think that you have progressed naturally and know pretty much all there is to know about things and then a child such as Adams daughter can come around and look at you and say a single simple yet completely brilliant statement and completely redefine who you are. Their beautiful curious minds topped with an unquestionable innocence can stop you dead in your tracks and humble you to your knees. Children can turn the proud to the humble, the most intelligent to the stupid, and the most Atheist to devout religious. I pray I never have one.
The engines fired up and we all jumped in our seats as we felt the flux capacitor turn on. I was in an insatiably good mood so I began my in flight entertainment with some wine and Sweeny Todd on my little movie screen. I really like this movie and think it didn’t get the recognition it deserved. It’s a fusion of Dumas, Poe, and Dickinson and a director and cast that can do only what they do. From there I watched The Mist which if I must flex my literary muscles a little more I will tell you that this was best movie adaptation of a book I have every seen and the fact that it is a short story by Steven King it is even more impressive as his books very rarely translate well onto celluloid. Speaking of books, atonement was playing but I avoided watching it as I prefer to be alone when watching Kira Knightly.
To be continued……
In order to take my American experience to the next level I sot out some help from a very powerful person, the one, the only….. Mickey Mouse. It was Disneyland’s 1 Million Dreams event or something, I can’t remember the name, but it was magical so some close friends and I took on one of the biggest American institutions in…..well… America. Disneyland opened in July of 1955 and continues to be a place where children can laugh and play and imagine a world, a small world, where everything is magical and overrun by very large rodents and other feral animals. I hadn’t been to Disneyland since a very bad date maybe 8 years prior and to be honest I don’t think I have had a fun experience there many years prior to that. All of this changed of course on this trip when I visited for the first time a very special and whimsical place, California Adventure. I can’t really put my finger on why this Disneyland trip was so special, but I think it may have had to do with the first ride we went on. That ride of course would be The Beer and Wine Festival!!
Yes parents. Now you too can have fun whilst your kids run rampant throughout the Magic Kingdom high on sugar and well, more sugar. California Adventure has its own winery, a beer tasting course, margaritas, and a plethora of fine dining establishments. Mickey’s much wiser in his old age and finally realized “parents want to have fun too! Right Minnie?” Which she lovingly replies after all those years of mouse marriage, “Leave me alone you old rat! I’m trying to enjoy my mojito!”
It wasn’t until 3pm that we went on an actually ride. My friends brought there 2 year old son Evan which was really great because that means there was a stroller for us to put all our beers and margaritas on. For my readers in the UK, I called this “the party pram”. The first actual ride of the day however was the Hotel of Terror which was infinitely more fun than I had imagined it to be so we went on it twice. It was a Friday but the crowd wasn’t too large so lines were relatively short. A kindly woman gave Cathy and I a free quick pass to the front of The California Condor which, looking from the eyes of someone from another country, is actually a pretty fantastic experience and a much cheaper way to see the State than actually driving or flying around it. We also went on the big rollercoaster there which was very very fun, but I can’t remember the name of it so I’ll move on.
We finally made our way to actual “Disneyland” aka “ Prohibition Land ” (if not for the Wild Turkey my mate snuck in) and I proceeded to see what all fuss was about with the place and why millions of people walk through this land of imagination every year. With the right crowd, the right and moderate mixture of drink, and going on a day that isn’t a holiday or weekend, Disneyland is a fun park for people of all ages. The only two rides I went on here were Pirates of the Caribbean, which I have to say has been completely cheapened by the addition of Johnny Depp throughout the ride and Splash Mountain, which may not be a good idea to go on at night when it is starting to get cold. An electrical light parade and an indulgence in fudge later, we were on our way home.
To end this, Disneyland greatly redeemed itself in my eyes. Even though I paid $91 just to get in the place followed by countless $100’s on food, booze, and fudge, I would say it was worth every penny. Even tonight at work I subconsciously picked up the guitar and started plucking away “It’s a small world after all” I don’t need to go back for a long, long time.
On Thursday I let freedom ring with the hammer slamming down on the 9mm round I fired with my rented Sig .9 at the firing range in Agoura Hills California. I really wanted to do as much “American” things as possible so I went with an ex United States Marine Sgt friend of mine to the firing range to fire off a few rounds. I had never fired a handgun before so I figured, why not exercise my right to bear arms. Roar! If you haven’t fired a hand gun before, it is a little frightening at first. Dave went first and I jumped at every shot even with my giant ear muffs on. My turn came and I started by very carefully hand loading the clip with bullets, always a little nervous I would mishandle them and have them explode in my hand. One thing I was surprise at was how terrible my accuracy was. I have been firing guns in video games my entire life and I couldn’t imagine why this was turning out to be so different. I wasn’t even hitting the large paper target much less in the head area of the outlined body of this unnamed outlaw in front of me. I felt lied to.
I wanted to keep this America the beautiful ball rolling so later on that night I went with a good friend of mine to a Dodger game where I thoroughly enjoyed the smell of beer and Dodger dogs with 20,000 Mexicans. Before I left for Australia I went to a Dodger game and was outraged at the $10 beers they served. $10!?!? I would tell everyone. Well after moving to another continent and seeing $20 six packs of the Aussie equivalent of Budweiser, I bought that $10 20oz beer with a smile and a twinkle in my eye. Posh Spice wasn’t there throwing any pitches so we left after singing “take me out to the ball game” at the 7th inning stretch. The Dodgers lost to the Arizona Diamond Backs. Shame.
I was suffering from a physical condition that is known in the medical community as “travel gas”, which was likely caused by the combination of my airline breakfast (bangers and mash), free grog, time travel, and the new infusion of Mexican food that my body has not had the privilege of digesting in 9 months. If I were a cleverer man I would be able to describe to you the smells and sounds that came out of me the first few days in America, but I’m not that man, so I will spare you any more detail and move on.
Adams wife, who he was meeting in Toronto, is a researcher/advacate of sorts for children with cancer and Adam is a research scientist for kidneys and livers so me being head of Quality Assurance for video games in Australia got the shameful in flight ball rolling with a bottle of Cabernette, my first of a few QANTAS (
Landing, luggage, jet lag, and possible hangover (I just like to say jetlag) later I hire a car (oops I’m in America now) I mean I rented a car and what do I do? What is my quest? Mexican food. I drive straight to my favorite Mexican restaurant, Los Dos Amigos, in Thousand Oaks and almost start crying as I dug my first corn chip into their hot and delicious salsa and refried beans. I ordered a carne asada burrito and a horchata and come to full terms of what I have given up by moving to Australia . I salivate even typing this section at the memory of this food and some of the other meals I had whilst in the land of the brave. Land of the fat is more like it. I argued against it with people in Oz for a long time, but I admit defeat, American food portions are HUGE. Too much food, but oh how good the food is.
I’m going to take a side step from Brisbane for a moment and speak of a hypothetical situation here as I remain completely neutral on the political and nationalistic scene. Let us say there was a male who took no part in political or nationalistic points of views in the world scene and was transplanted into one of the many British colonies to survive and understand a culture and new life from a different point of view.
