Nobody Likes an American

Blog Off: 5

So, here we both are; opponent against opponent, beaten and bruised from a weeklong bout of keyboard pugilism. We’re tired and frustrated with aching fingers and sore eyes from staring far too long at computer screens that have baked into our eyes with such hostility that it would make even the cruel sun itself turn and cover its eyes in a solar cringe. What have we learned since the first mortar shell post was fired here between our two blogs?

Well I for one have learned that Dangerous Girl in Safety Town; who lives in a city that spends far too much money on ridiculous warning signs for the stupid and not on street signs that would tell the driver just where the hell they are going and potentially prevent accidents; would never conform to the oppressive yet delightfully wonderfully Norwegian craftiness of a pair of Helly Hansen trail cutters – ding – but instead would rather ride through the plains of Rohan on a Nazgûl and into the very heart of the Mordor travel tour wearing a pair of mid to low platform heals that she will likely break along the way. I learned that with the magic power of sparkling wine and orange juice you can banish an outer suburb clown on stilts so far up a tree that even the Giving Tree itself wouldn’t give it a limb to climb down on.

What have I learned about my own blog? I can often abuse the gift of parenthesis with no moral accountability. I learned that I have no idea what this symbol is -> ; <-  is and either don’t use it when I should or probably use it when I shouldn’t. (I didn’t really do well in school) I learned that run on sentences should force the city council to use the taxes of blog readers everywhere to put up grammatical cross walks and stop signs wherever my mouth may run. I’ve learned not to judge a bloke by its cover and just because they drive a Ute, wear a blue wife beater under flannelette or have tattoos and an owl on their neck doesn’t mean they are going to glass me with a pint glass.

So what is the conclusion here ladies and gentlemen and others? Can two people from The United States of America share the interweb and blog about the same country and city without calling an all out war in a ferocious bloody conflict of a blog off that has taken so many arms, legs, fingers and toes, of many a blogger before us? The answer is resounding YES.

That is……

ONLY IF THEY ARE FROM DIFFERENT COASTS!

Heaven help you if you are from LA or worst yet
Sacramento and move to Melbourne and try and start a blog off with me. I will rip your hardrive out and shove it so far up your motherboard that your operating system will cough out the blue screen of death. I have the scripting minions of millions beneath me to make a virus so evil that it will give your Myspace page diarrhea so bad your Facebook page will be wiping its ass. Worst of all, and the most horrible of all blows, I will continue blogging about this country and who knows how many others long after your 418 student  or 417 working visa has expired and they deport your sorry ass back to Barstow where you belong. I’ll do it and I’ll do it better then you could possibly dream of. You will think that the black and blue throbbing lump that used to be your ass not only hurts, but it “hella hurts”.

Not to you though Mrs. Smith. You were a worthy and honorable opponent and I therefore declare a draw and a truce between our two blogs. I’m tired, as you no doubt are after a week long battle in the blown out vowel and consonant QWERTY fox holes of blogging warfare. I need to rest my shaking black and blue wrists that are at this point suffering greatly from my un-ergonomically correct setup I have in the room of my filthy flat, where the laundry still hasn’t been done; though I have taken the time to fling my clothes into the corner like cat flings dirt over its poo.

Being that you will be returning to the mighty state of New York once again; a place that truly terrifies me far more than all the bogan’s and blokes of all of Victoria; I think you will need this site to continue to know the current events here and live vicariously through someone else’s Australian blog whilst you continue your own adventures with your family, friends and career. I would therefore be honored to be the blog you do so through. I will be here, forever the wandering, rambling, and reporting fool in the country you will someday no doubt return and reclaim long after I am gone, because you are a resident now and CAN. (Congratulations on that again by the way good for you)

Your blog has provided me with laughs and inspiration on my own entries over the past many months and I hope that you create a new one when you move back to The Big Apple and write about your re-assimilation into American culture and who knows, down the road, motherhood.

So to you and Husband I extend my sore and aching shaky hand (though not as sore as those blokes that played Ouch…idiots) across the far reaches of cyberspace and extend my sincere thanks for the week now thankfully behind us. May others in the future who are so foolish enough to declare one of these learn from our example.

I’m going to disappear for a little while on the blog scene, crawl into some books instead of the bottle, but one other thing I forgot that I also learned was that visual aids are really good to have on a blog because people prefer pictures over the almost never ending ranting of a neurotic insomniac that doesn’t know grammar from a hole in the ground. So for you….the reader…here’s a video of two kittens fighting.

Cheers ecs,

And remember, unless you are in America or have lots of money in a third world country,

Nobody Likes an American