Nobody Likes an American

Aussie Rules Football, Australian Football League, or AFL, is known here as The Footy and I love it. I grew up the emotional waif that hated sports and the religious fanaticism that went along with the spiritistic macho insecurity that divided me from my friends when the American school system decided to divide us up into categories. American sports have become so massive, selfish, unapproachable, and uninspiring in their status and salary that the only reason I would go to any Super Bowl party was to bring my 30 pack of Bud Lite that I had bought for 12 American dollars with the hope to drink half of it and jump up in exuberate glee each time the 30 second multi-million dollar commercials kicked in or the surprise disgust of Janet Jackson’s wonky boob, which I still wish I had never seen to this day. This is absolutely not the case with The Footy’s Grand Final although I very clearly see the corporate influence creeping in which will eventually poison the heart of this wonderful sport I am sure.

Here is a very brief explanation of the rules and sport in a low detail nutshell:

The positions are roughly similar to those in Soccer, a player can run with the football like ball but has to bounce it every 15 steps like a basketball. They can hand pass it to another player or kick it. They are running to two goals (tall posts) at the end of the field, there is one smaller one in the middle and a larger one outside of those. If they kick it into the smaller middle one they get 6 points, if they kick it in the outer one its 1 point. There are 4 quarters in a game that last 25 to 30 minutes each until one team wins.

It seemed like another life ago, but I worked for a video game publisher in the US and at the time, my Aussie amigos, who I now work for, requested that I oversee a terrible AFL Xbox game that was to be released only in Australia. My team looked at me like, “Huh? Wait, its rugby, but not rugby, that they only play in some parts of Australia? Can we get any more obscure?” Well Brett and Jordan, (let this be a tribute to you) we can actually.

We had to go online to learn about this sport and the strange rules that we weren’t used to. In time we became fans and ended up having our own teams that we rooted for, although at the time we didn’t have the understanding of how perverse this would later sound to the rest of the world. I chose to a “barrack” for the St. Kilda Saints, as that was where the development studio was in Melbourne and where a mate of mine had visited, sent me a post card, and told me how much I would love it there if I ever had a chance to visit. (Oh the irony) So the St. Kilda Saints were my team before I moved here or understood anything about the national, or at the very least Victorian, importance of this sport.

A year ago I was in Tasmania when the last Grand Final was taking place and did not write about it as, like many future long drawn out entries, it was too premature to put down into proper words, if that is indeed what we want to call them. Geelong is a seaside town around the western side of the bay and further south of Melbourne that sport a striped, prison garb of black and white who’s team mascot is “The Cats”. They had been the under dogs, (I’m avoiding the bad joke) of AFL for a number of years until they brutally won last year in triumph against the Collingwood Magpies. The city of Geelong and all of their supporters went insane at this and this year they actually shut down all the streets in advance as they were playing in the grand finals again.

If there is one thing I really want to get across in this entry is the personal definition that footy teams give to people in Victoria. One of the key things you learn about people once you square off with them is what team you support. My flat mate is an animate Richmond Tigers supporter, a few friends are Hawthorn Hawks, another a very emotional and obsessive Geelong Cats, and one who is a Melbourne Demons supporter who it turns out is the worst team and have come in last place the last 2 years. When I tell them I support St Kilda, they normally say, “So you’re destined to a life long of disappointment?” Yes, yes I am actually. You never switch teams. The rule is once you decide who your team is; you never leave them no matter what. The only exception to this rule is women, who will often switch to their husbands team when they get married. I’m serious here, this is really real and if we all walk away from my Melbourne experience right here and now this is the number one privileged information we can all take with us.

A guy at work lives in Geelong and commutes a very long way each day who has Geelong posters around his desk all year round. His team, who won last year and was the shoe in to win this year…lost against Hawthorn. I was shocked myself. Hawthorn beat them and beat them bad. I normally always go for the underdogs but for some reason I haven’t been able to understand I wanted the top team to win. The reason why I really like this sport, is when you watch a Grand Final, or any game really, you don’t watch overpaid athletes scuttle around a field making millions even if they sit on the bench most of the season, but instead you see 2 teams of men who are fighting their hardest for the championship because they want it and want it for their supporters. They love the sport. These are true gladiators in my book.

Another wonderful thing about this sport that I want to get across to you is how family oriented it is. When the players run out into the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground) they will run out with their children often times carrying them. After a game you can normally find the whole St Kilda team eating dinner with their families at Leo’s Italian restaurant down at the end of Fitzroy Street where I used to live. Some players even take public transport. Remember the “Love your trams” entry I made? Imagine riding a bus and looking across from you and seeing Barry Bonds sitting impatiently in a daze. They’re not all like this of course, some of them are complete wife abusers and arrogant jerks naturally, but I would say the good majority of them are average blokes who just want to live the Australian dream. There is a budget cap on players so the top player will often make 100 to 200k a year.

This is not just boys fun. Women love the sport as well. I went to a game once and I was very surprised at the large amount of females that were in attendance. They weren’t just arm warmers either; they were truly animate and aware of the game. I was invited to a friends house for this years Final that had pretty girls, grilled meat, and beer, but was in one of my moods and therefore calculated mathematically that the least amount of fallout and decided to hide in my room instead. I eventually got up the courage to see the outside sunlight and walked around Caulfield North for a grog run. What a beautiful and warm sunny day it was. The streets were empty in a surreal sense that reminded me of Christmas in California. Nobody was around, the roads were empty, and the sun was out shining as people were getting drunk in their homes.

There are 16 teams in the league total, most of which are found in the Melbourne area. AFL is most popular in Victoria. In New South Wales and Queensland people are much more into Rugby, which I likely won’t touch on as it’s far too violent for the children that read this page. So to put this whole thing in perspective, imagine that the NBA, NFL, or MLB was most popular in California, was VERY big in California. You’d have a New York, Chicago, Miami, and maybe Seattle team, but then the rest would be the San Fernando Valley Rattlesnakes, the Irvine Iguanas, the Los Angeles Prison Guards, the Reseda Ravens, the Santa Barbara Barbarians, and so on. It would be this small scale but still sell out 300,000 capacity stadiums. Just like the US television, you have shows that are dedicated to the sport such as “The Footy Show” and others, which I actually got into and would watch sometimes.

So I think that pretty much sums up my sports entry. I missed a few details such as the Grand Final parade in the CBD just prior to a game and the Brownlow Medal award, but I covered the biggest parts I think. Most of my friends are generally pretty sad after the Grand Final because it will be many months until they are able to watch any games again. Australia is a very sports orientated country. In Melbourne anyway, there isn’t Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring, instead there is Footy, Horse Racing, Cricket, Tennis, then Formula One. I like the Horse Racing the most because I get a day off work.

I’ll leave you with this clip of Buddy Franklin from the Hawks getting his 100th goal for the season. He was the first to do this in over a decade and is something like the 28th guy to ever do it. This was the 31st time its been done in the 150 years the Melbourne sport club has been around. I was at a dodgy pub at the time having a mediocre steak when people started going mental all around me. It is tradition that whenever someone gets a 100 goals in a season that everyone runs out on the field and supports him. This year the officials were challenging that if people did this they would be fined $6000. This didn’t stop the fans and down there amongst the crowd is one of my employees who defied these officials and got away scot-free. Good on ya mate.